bonjour, i'm tonya marie doll. :)
i write poetry.
i edit videos.
i sing songs.
and all that good stuff :D
my heart is emotionally destroyed.
Welcome to my thought's and inner most feelings.
That is all. :]
(Source: wibbilywobbilytimeywimey)
WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT:
well, i should be asleep. but i’m not. i keep avoiding it and i wanted to take a shower but i was bonding with my mom and that never happens EVER actually. She was watching One Direction youtube videos with me and singing, but she was making up some of her own words…..lol. i had a migraine mostly the whole evening so i rested and took lots of meds now i feel sorta better.
Living:
I can’t decide where i’d like to live. i really would like a place of my own, but it’s simply not possible at all at this time. I’ve been staying with the girls of course alot, they still need me. Momma Maria still needs me, she woke up last week and couldn’t see. Sometimes i don’t know if she does it for attention or if it’s true. but either way i got to be there for those girls. i love them with everything, and i can’t place why. I’ve also been staying at my moms this past week, but idk. I have no place for everything, i dont have anywhere to actually get dressed, everywhere i go they are there. but i love my parents with all my heart but i dont think i can live like this. but at the same time i don’t like sharing a room with misty. but i’m thankful for what i do have. i’m lucky. but im torn between both and what to do. i’m thinking to keep switching but thats hard as well. i dont want to hurt either of them.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP:
i know willie makes you happy, and i’m glad about that. you deserve that so don’t think otherwise. But, yes i did felt pushed out a little bit at a time. It felt as everytime i wanted to be with you he had to be to, whether it was calls or texts or anything. i miss or old times when phones didnt matter to us. we did so much without saying oh wheres my phone. but i should take to heart that its what happens. all i’m asking is for some tonya time. i need some love too. :) i don’t hate willie, i never will. but yes sometimes you guys make me say yuck inside. lol maybe it’s because you have a great relationship and i had that once but it got completely destroyed. but i’ll be okay.
LOVE LIFE:
well, my love life i haven’t really cared. i’ve pushed everyone aways all the chances i had. except i am talking to someone, his name is jason and i really am interested in him. he moved to clevland though. i dont know how any of that will go.
BLAH BLAH BLAH NONSENSE:
i’m proud of you for strawberry idol, i got an email for that as well. And people told me to do it but i haven’t got the time really. Of course i’ll go, you don’t have to even ask that cause i will to support you. i also started doing that mary kay stuff, it ain’t that easy. I also got offered a few other jobs and put in applications but i’m starting to wonder what i truly want. i know i need as much money as i can get right now. i have alot on my plate to pay for, but i know i can manage. i want to go back to school, but it wont be for awhile cause i need to get stuff together first. and when i do go it will prolly be for dentistry. or i might do online classes to for now to get little things out of the way. i feel like my lifes over and i’m only 19, i get depressed often now. i’m always thinking negatively and like who cares. i wonder alot why i work my ass off at work for money to pay for all this shit. but i know i have to for some reason. and surprisingly i knew about your little pup. Erin and me hang out and she told me and showed me. i act like i don’t care when people talk to me about you. but they know i care. i always have and i always will. you should know by now i say things i don’t mean sometimes. but never once have i called you ugly, or even said your fat or anything of that nature. people have asked and noticed your body change i say she’s not what you think she is, and nor is it any of your concern why she has put on some. she is beautiful and i know she is. i told erin one time how beautiful you were, and you know you are. i know you have your body counsious issues and just know i’m here to help you. i love you know matter what shape or form you are. you will still be maughan. <3 and when i think about you, i get all sensitive and shit, i hate that. i’ve been tough and strong lately. i’ve been looking like i dont care about anything when you know i do. but i hate talking about you with people, it hurts me and i just cry so i avoid it all costs. but yes i have talked about you with people. and all the problems, i talked to kayla about the fb message you sent her. yes i understood all of it. i basically think we are each others role models. we don’t copy one another, we sometimes just think the same and have the same idea. or sometimes we just think its right to be the same. like when we were younger we said we would always have the same stuff. but we get mad at one another for when one does it. we are simply eachothers strength. and we do need one another. my mother is very fond of you at the moment, i had nobody else to really vent too. and i’ll have to talk to her about stuff. we don’t really fight as much, i mostly get mad cause my parents fight alot. it’s very upsetting. i try to go places but i can’t go anywhere without thinking of you. -work. -goodwill. -china garden. -silverspoon. and many more other places. i kinda thought i could start over with a new life and push forward alone. but you wont stay out of my damn head. lol and in my heart. i swear it’s like were a couple…if it don’t work out with guys were getting married, idc what you say. lol lately i’ve been thinking i’d be happy with just a child and myself. i see me being happy with a job nearby that gets me by and being a single mother being so close with my child and everything. but idk, i’m honestly lost in life. and idk. but i really do like these blogs of us talking, it’s romantic :P lmao. btw: i haven’t been conserving water with you lately, it’s sad to take showers alone. (man, i sound so lesbo.) oh well, it’s love sister sue.
9 years of friendship and we have hit a bump in the road. I could never in a million years hate this girl, no matter what ever would happen between us. I do and will always love her with my whole heart and soul. Just because her and i no longer talk or sort out our problems. She’s tried to get to me to talk out our problems. But for some reason i avoid it. I don’t like sharing or talking about feelings. But i’ve felt every emotion possible for this girl. And not in a million years could i explain why i feel like she’s actually the best thing that has ever happened to me. We are obviously not how we used to be and i miss that more than anything. I miss our old dumb videos, our being outside, us just being stupid. Before phones, internet, boys and everything else got in the way. I know we have grown older but i just will never understand why we can’t ever remain as we were. Over the years we both have changed in alot of ways, but we are both beautiful and will always remain that way. Sometimes, we get jealous over one another and we hate admitting it. But, it is true. Sometimes, i feel like you think you’re better than me, or yet alot of people but that’s how it goes. We think the same alot also, only because we have been together for so long. I don’t know why i’m rambling on it’s not like anyone will actually take the time to read all this, except maybe you. But eh, i don’t really care. Lately, i have been thinking about you, don’t think i don’t. I do everyday, i cry, i laugh, and well yeah act like a baby. But, i’m just in my own mode right now. And i don’t know how to control myself, or even know about life. I’ve currently been sick this past week just in bed and going to work and sleeping. I just think alot and i know you think too. Don’t ever feel alone. I will not kick you out of my life, cause you’re not. Just i can’t even explain all this jazz in my head. Sometimes i feel like others have it easier in life, but that’s why i work for everything i can. And i know life isn’t easy, that’s why i’m trying to work mine out, and not pushing everyone away but more like thinking about myself. I don’t expect you to understand, nobody really does. But, we will get better in time. We just gotta give it time. This is simply a break and time away that will make us stronger. i love you. just don’t forget. i like communicating in tumblr posts, it’s nifty and neato! i neglect my phone alot, i hate it. lol. and i still hate talking on the phone and will prolly always. but, sometime we can get together, go to china garden….cause that’s our place….and that’s where i get my chocolate men ;) …..ha. but, whenever we can do that…but we must not rush it…and don’t ever feel like you can’t send me a text, i’ll eventually get it and text you :) so many times i wanted to text you just to see if you’re okay and how you were. And when i read your text at work today i started crying in front of cassie like a baby. cause i am sensitive as we know, and you are too. :P well, i have hours on work work work, and alot of meetings and other stuff going on. i won’t close you completely out, just seems like it. man, i’ve been typing to long….i’ll stop now :)
